yeanne.yeeian.

2011-10-02T13:34:00.001+09:00

New place, new place.

Still alive and back :)

2011-09-26T09:56:00.000+09:00

Hello people, I am back now! Still breathing and with new hopes this time :)

I will update some time soon enough when I am done with the sleeping/hibernation part! So, won't be active till end of September I guess :)

Thank you for those who spent time talking with this crazy girl over here at Skype :D

Tadaima!

2011-09-13T13:58:00.000+09:00

Hello world, it's been such a long time since I last updated. I went missing right before my final examinations all the way till my long lost holiday. I've deferred one semester due to the Tohoku earthquake, my school is perfectly fine as Tokyo wasn't affected much by it but still, family members got really worried. I have been not doing much for the past 7 months, but many had happened in between...

You see, I've met a person recently that reminded me of someone else... I think I will talk more about it when I am free.. back to today's plan :)

Hakodate 26th December 2010

2011-01-08T05:31:00.000+09:00

Last day at Hakodate :( miss the place.

Loisir Hotel.

Morning market and piles of snow, after two straight days of snowstorm.

See the pile of snow.

I like this alot. Looks like mother nature just rained cotton candy everywhere and all I have to do is stick my hand out to pluck those candy and stuff them in my mouth.

Hokkaido crab.

More of them.

That's my boots, the crab's humongous I assure you.

Ham yu :D

More ham yu hanging on the street.

Frosty.

The snowman the ham yu store built.

More snow.

Everything's covered in snow.

Sapporo corn.

Then there was this store that sold raw seafood or freshly grilled ones.

Sea Urchin.

Abalone.

Scallops.

The other group of tourists had like tonnes of them I swear.

Didn't go in here.

You see the ships behind? :)

Bootprint.

Random fact 1: Sea doesn't get frozen during winter. Sorry for my ignorance.

Spot the bicycles.

The amount of snow on the bench.

There's something beautiful about this city.

The station.

The snowman I made on top of Yan's chocolate.

Gave it a wooden scarf :P

Had to remove the eyes and put back leaves for it. Goodbye snowman!

Hakodate 25th December 2010

2011-01-07T01:33:00.000+09:00

Me Christmas morning breakfast.

The city after snowstorm #1 okay I invented that.

I find this girl creepily alike me, focus on the face.

Hakodate shio ramen. I prefer the ramens in Tokyo with stronger flavors.

The climb up.

Still climbing.

Looking back from the middle part.

I love the snow but I hate the cold.

Romantic, no?

Mt. Hakodate covered in snow.

Beautiful.

Still more to climb up.

I just love trees covered in snow.

Reaching the top.

Reached the shrine after a grueling 20 minutes walk in the snow.

Look at the steps up.

Temizusha completely blocked by the snow, plus it's frozen.

I should make this my wallpaper.

Pine trees.

Before the snowstorm starts.

Omikuji.

Owl. Omikuji place.

Frosty.

Walking to the matsumoto place.

Steep roads.

The Russian Orthodox Church.

My mitten's covering part of the pic.

Europe.

Doesn't feel like Japan.

A very pathetic picture of myself when I placed it on a stone.

Caramel latte to warm myself up before continuing on.

Christmas tree at Mt. Hakodate ropeway station.

Inside the bus back to Hakodate station.

Waiting for the tram to come.

Sorry for the melancholic tone :P

Hakodate 24th December 2010

2011-01-06T19:56:00.000+09:00

The amount of clothes I bring for a 3 days 2 night trip is amazing.


There's something homey about Japanese hotel rooms, minus the extreme small space part.

Very good view behind the day curtain. Better view from the outside cause I've developed a new habit of walking around hotel rooms naked :D okay joke, I pull the curtains tight together when I am naked.


See something funny? :p

The street before the snowstorm.

Got lost at Hakodate, went to a place an hour away by train in the end I got a cab back to safety.

This is super cute. Milk coffee in a triangular plastic packet. Taken in the train from Hakodate to the place I got lost at.

Back at Redbrick Warehouse for Christmas Illumination.


Tanabata version of Christmas tree :)


Trojan :D

See the snow falling? It was so cold I couldn't hold my camera straight for the next few days.

Hohohoho. I will be a real good girl this year Santa.

Another tanabata version of ... Christmas bench... yes, Christmas bench.

Sodane. Sugoi. Agree.

And that's all for the 24th!

Tokyo to Hakodate (Written in the train)

2011-01-05T22:32:00.000+09:00

And now here I am, inside the Shinkansen from Ueno to Shin Aomori, would then later take another train to Hakodate. My feelings are all mixed up as I type this. I have no idea why I've been this down, probably because I know he is there. I am really not sure if this is love or pure jealousy encouraged emotion I have grown towards him. I know that it is impossible for us. If that makes a difference. It will be snowing over there, and I am looking forward to the first white Christmas that I would be spending. I passed through fields and fields of rice just now. It's all brown, dried, shriveled up. It would probably look good during spring or some time like that. I have no idea when they would look green but yup sometime during then. The shinkansen is actually not much difference from an airplane, okay maybe there is a lot of difference but to me it feels the same. It's not as crowded as I thought it would be. I think I got a good time slot. I was about this close to regretting getting the 6.30 tickets. The only thing that's annoying me right now? The mini foldable table is so far away from me I practically have to stretch my arms out to type, okay I get it spacious seats, but why do people with short arms have to suffer from it. My arms are getting sore from stretching out too long. Yes, point being I am too short, thank you.

I wonder if we will continue to pass by rows of houses throughout the whole journey. It seems endless and we are somewhere around the suburb I suppose. 7.13 a.m. 24^th December 2010.


Moon's still up.


See those mountains?

Bento lunch set <3

More mountain as we reach Sendai.

I somehow like this pic a lot.

Shin Aomori station :)

Apple Icecream in Aomori.

Heading to Hakodate from Shin Aomori.

Things I wish you knew about me.

2010-12-30T01:17:00.000+09:00

I love anything to do with caramel, even better chocolate and caramel.
I adore roses, red roses.
I like my room to smell like lovely lace's rose scent.
I don't really like eating meat, yes, even pork, unless it's taste is completely covered, but I love grilled chicken and seafood.
I like being inside my room during rainy days, looking out the window.
I love fruits, any fruits.
I am obsessive about my bears and pillows and my sleepwear.
I love blue ink.
I don't drink but I love alcohol-less champagne.
I like sleeping in a cold room with a warm blanket up till my neck.
I sleep sideways and put my pillows vertically under me so I can hug them to sleep.
I never mean it when I ask you to leave me alone, I only want to read the messages you send me after that, they make me warm.
I love hugs but I am always too shy to be the first one to hug.
I am afraid of bugs, very afraid of them, I scream when I hear someone mention their name.
I also am afraid of Chinese vampires and zombies, even though I do like movies on them, I am scared of them.
I don't eat bean sprouts, and only eat them when they are cooked with tofu.
I cry myself to sleep most of the times, all I need is a I will be here tomorrow too message from you.
I love to paint and draw, not good at it though, I love to write on papers.
I can't stand places with noises that are too loud, I've got sensitive ears.
I wait for your messages most of the time, even when I know you won't possibly text me.
I like the ocean, I love the beach, I want to be able to swim.
I like to drink from appropriate glasses and cups.
I hate hanging out in groups.
I love my family. Each and everyone of them.

Edited-

I like receiving music boxes as a present.
I like cereals and milk for breakfast.
I must have the window seat when traveling far.
I love waking up to your messages.
I would love to have a golden retriever and a toy poodle.
I daydream every single minute.
I like it when you say you care about me.
I like wearing cardigans.
I prefer walking to taking trains.
I like kani avocado salad and the cold noodle salad thingie at Zanmai.
I like nasi lemak at Madam Kwan's or Sakura.
I like mango dessert, especially if they are from Dragon-I.
I like having dinner at Esquire Kitchen, the one in Mines, other branches suck.
I think that steamboat at Johnny's the best thing on earth.
I like the pasta at Michelangelo.
I swear by the lin chee kang and asam laksa in wai sek gai.
I think that sleeper trains are the best way to travel in.
I sometimes know that I shouldn't be as selfish as I am.
I sometimes know that I should be less emotional.
I stick huge straws in the big packets of orange juice and drink straight from the packs.
I am waiting for a person to sing me Better Man.
Still waiting.

2010-12-29T20:48:00.000+09:00

And the day comes, you got to think. Every step harder than the one before, every breath heavier than the one before. Does this really matter? You ask, you ask yourself, you don't know the answer to that. You always think you know, you think you know best, you think you are right. But you are wrong, always wrong. How many times must you go back to hurt yourself before you can finally realize?

Life goes on.

Tadaima!

2010-12-29T00:34:00.000+09:00

I am back from Hokkaido :) and as usual having my after-trip ills. It always happens, expected. I actually lost my camera (again) during my trip, but thank god even after almost 3 hours away from that place, they told me it's there. So all I had to do was head back to Tokyo while they send it back to me, lost it on Sunday and I received it today. JR rocks :D

Okay, what I did during my short trip? Spent most of my time out in the snow, in awe from the amount of snow and the beautiful landscapes, but did not do too much crazy stuffs. For instance, I did not try the ika-meshi. I wasn't even willing to get those prepacked ones. Made it to Hakodate mountain but couldn't see anything because of the snow. Didn't try 露天風呂cause it's freaking winter, but managed to get into onsen though. It's my first real onsen experience, stark naked and all, but it was real fun. It's funny how after the bathe, and at the area where everyone mixes up and relaxes, it feels really relaxing. Almost as if there's a sense of home, I didn't expect that I was kinda expecting more tensed and embarrassed moments but no, pure relaxation. I must be going out of my point right about now but I shall continue on with my trip. I walked through a couple of hours in the worst weather in history. It's just my luck, it would normally be okay during winter to visit but the whole time I was there the place had snowstorm. Beautiful, but not fun to be in one of it. I salute those girls who were walking around in mere boots and mini skirts. I have no idea how they did that.

Tried their cheesecake, absolutely delicious, and also the famous Sapporo corn, had Hakodate shio ramen, and a bunch more of stuffs. I couldn't try the raw seafood and also curry cause on the last day I had a case of mild diarrhea. Sad enough. I will try to upload the pics soon.

Step One.

2010-12-24T00:50:00.000+09:00

Yes, please begin.
Is today 23rd?
Yes, it is 23rd.
How do you feel?
Lost.
Have you tried to see what he's doing?
I checked. He did not write any.
I saw her writing about him. He seems happy.
That's good. He is happy.
Without you.
Yes, without me.
Remember that.
I will.
Don't cry.
It's the 23rd.
It is the 23rd.
I want to see him smile.
He will smile, maybe not in front of you.
Why.
Don't think about it. I will give you all the time in the world.
Please don't. Good night.
Good night.

Moo-ahahaha

2010-12-23T13:48:00.000+09:00

:) yan's graduation next year, with the family moo-ahahahaha and 2 days later it would be my 21st :D

Christmas wishes.

2010-12-23T01:34:00.000+09:00

Words when I was lost in Shinjuku today.

Do write a wish for Christmas! She said giving me a pen. I was lost, waiting for rescue to come. I said okay and started writing.

Hope you will have fun over there.
Hope your days will be filled with laughter.
Hope that everything will turn out great between you and him.
Hope that it would be a very safe and entertaining flight.
Hopes.

And when rescue came, seeing me sulking again, rescue said, forget it. Or it'll sting worse.

I know was all I could answer. 23rd.

Today is interesting.

2010-12-22T00:42:00.000+09:00

Hey peeps, internet connection was down for the past couple of hours and finally I get my connection back. So what happened today? Today is interesting. First, early in the morning I woke up and maybe it's the morning air doing me good, I finally knew how he managed to find out that I was mad, yes stupid twitter. I think I sent him a link that might have linked it to my twitter. Yes, embarrassment much. Not gonna update that account anymore I suppose, or I should just change its link and everything. God knows how. Okay, good grief, thank god I figured it out early. Told some lies early in the morning, I really do not know what I will do on the 23rd so I did what I do the best in, runaway. Day got a bit better when I managed to finish my paper before time, my holiday has officially started. And I will be gone to Hokkaido on 24th :D The 'd' on my keyboard is not working, I have to smash it really hard before it reacts, shall avoid words with the letter d in it.

All I need is time, just time and I will move on. Give me a little more time to accept you an your kindness, my heart's still with him now, it will come back soon.

Hysterical phone calls.

2010-12-19T23:58:00.000+09:00

Once upon a time...
What about it?
Remember the time when you came to me crying?
When? I never did that.
You did, you cried over him.
Why are you talking about him again? You said I needed time. I am giving myself time, so stop talking about him.
I need to tell you.
Go on then. I will listen.
That time remember what you promised. I said I will help you, but you must allow me.
Allow you? What?
I mean, let me help you.
And I did that, I let you helped me.
You broke your promise.
You asked me to face it, you said it's about time.
You went right back.
You are repeating yourself again. You said that ever since the call.
The call, I know it wasn't from that call. You started longer than that. You went right back to him.
Stop being so ridiculous. I told you too. I can't possibly just dig everything out in a month right? I need time.
You are the one not giving yourself time.
I did. It's just that it's not really working that well everytime. And I know it, so I am backing away again, what's wrong with that? You said it's okay.
It's not. Am I something you hang on to just because you need someone to hang on to?
You said I can hang on to you, you said you will help me to get through this.
So that's it? You are just hanging on to me for that?
No, what's wrong with you? You ASKED me to hang on to you.
It's different.
What's different? What's freaking different?
You can't forget. You can never forget.
Stop being so ridiculous. What did you eat for dinner? Ridiculousness?
Shut up.
Stop calling me to shut up. You shut up.
Do I mean anything to you?
What is wrong with you? What happened to you? You weren't like that before. You know everything, why are you still doing this now? I got no one else.
You are just going to hang on me till you find a new person, right?
Stop being so ridiculous. I will never do that. You should know me well. You should know, I will never do anything like that. My hang on is not the hang on you are talking about. If I am just hanging on for the sake of hanging on I would have done that earlier. Stop.
Tell me the truth.
You want to know the truth?
Yes.
Truth is, you do not know me. Never will.

2010-12-19T18:00:00.000+09:00

I have blue nails now :) writing on Antoinette, I have no idea why but I think I can really relate to her character, like Rochester's such a jerk. Didn't anyone else notice that? Grrr.. The world's such a crazy place. Anyway, hey wassup you guys, how's the day treating you? Not so good for me, I am supposed to wash my pile of crazy clothes but I am just too lazy to do that. Also, I am supposed to get myself some coffee so I will stay awake. Sigh, this is crazy, life's crazy. The old French dude is still as messed up as ever. I have no idea what's going on at times, how can people be so dramatic? Yes, saying that please do remember that I am dramatic as well, so, yes, how can they be so dramatic? I have no idea too. Speaking of which, this too will be a really random post, mostly my incoherent thoughts typed together, fresh and raw from my mind. Am I making any sense? I hope I am.

Ooh, don't be excited, don't be. I have good news soon enough, just have to wait till sis tell my parents about it. And sorry for the lack of pictures, my mind is not straight enough to take them now, they all look like blah. Tomorrow will be 忘年会, hopefully they don't make me drink. I will tell them I am only 18, and I am still not legal yet if they asked me to. Seriously, like I don't drink alcohol. I NEVER drank any of it. Okay, just few sips and even after that I get drunk. No, don't ask me why, I probably have really low tolerance rate of alcohol. Give me a glass of red wine and you'll see me sleeping on the streets next day. Okay, exaggerated a bit, but probably something like that if you really made me drink. Hmm, last time I sipped some alcohol? Last year, around this time as well I think. No, it didn't turn out pretty.

I will be having my short winter break on Wednesday, December 22nd all the way till next year January 5th. I have plans, quite many of them in fact. Including Christmas at Hokkaido, New Year at Disneyland, 3rd day of New Year at Asakusa (again) and then probably some year end crazy shopping at Harajuku/Shibuya/Shinjuku. Forever 21's opening a new shop at Shibuya! I do not know why am I this addicted to Forever 21, it's like my best friend. And remember the starry pajamas I said F21 should come out with? IT IS OUT. Yes, for only 700yen! I love dresses and outfits from F21, not their bags though. Do you know how much I love tote handbags? Do you?

Sigh, signing off before I go crazy :)

Day 20 路人甲

2010-12-19T01:30:00.000+09:00

The connection sucks big time today.

Do you ever have this person in your life? Someone you want to tell everything to but yet at times know you can't tell all of it to this person. You want to tell, all you can do is think of a way to tell it in a less direct way. I don't know how I manage to keep up with this. I worry too much about all the things that I want to tell to this person, same time, I want this person to know all, to know what I think, how I feel.

I know I've disappeared from the virtual world for a long period of time. Sorry about that. Shall write a something to make up for that :)

"路人甲! " she screamed in excitement! 路人甲 saw her, gave a slight sigh then put on a smile for her, like what 路人甲 always did. Was it a real smile or a fake smile? She had no idea, she didn't care less, all she cared for was that her smile when she see 路人甲 is real.

"I have to tell you something!" she said again, chewing on some dried apricots as she spoke. 路人甲 stared at the packet of apricots in her hands, gave an unapproving cough, before smiling again. She laughed and put the apricots away, "I have to tell you!" she said again, the wind blew, her voice was caught up in the howl. 路人甲 looked at her in confusion.

"I can't hear you," 路人甲 said. "the wind, it's so strong today."

"I said I," the wind blew again before she could finish. 路人甲 laughed, the wind wasn't friendly today. The wind was never quite friendly when it comes to them, in fact, the wind tried every way it could to spoil it for them every time they meet. She was frustrated. She had many to tell 路人甲, some which she had to hide under layers of soft lies, she can't bear letting 路人甲 knowing everything. What is she supposed to tell 路人甲 next time then, if she spoke all of them today? 路人甲 has a reputation for leaving whenever there was nothing else for 路人甲 to know. She was afraid of that. But today it seemed to make no difference as well. It was a different feeling.

"More stories on your sweetheart today, I suppose?" 路人甲 said with a slight yawn, looking at the watch.

"Yes, are you in a hurry today? Do you have to go home to your wife?" she asked.

"No, I don't have to go home to her anytime soon, but I am in quite a hurry. I have to go for work." 路人甲 replied the excited girl in front.

"I will be quick, I promise," she lied. This was one promise she always made and never meant to keep.

"30 minutes, that's all I can give you today." 路人甲 said sternly.

"30 minutes will be just fine," she lied again. Give her all the time in the world and it will never be enough. It will never be. "I argued with him last night, over the vacation."

路人甲 lifted a brow.

"He's mad now and I think it's the right time," she played with her hair.

"Right time to?" 路人甲 looked up from the watch.

"Right time to..." dump him she thought but she will keep that for another time, another time when she has really broken off with him, "give him back what I owe him."

"Yes, I agree to that." 路人甲 smiled, a dimple sinking in on the left side of 路人甲's cheek.

"I found the puppy you gave me at his place. He took it," she said.

路人甲 laughed, " I told you he took it."

She looked away, "Yea, I should have known better."

"Oh, do show me his picture. I haven't seen his picture before," 路人甲 asked.

She hesitated, the picture was in her purse, she needed a miracle, to cut off her face from that picture before 路人甲 can see it. "Tomorrow? I don't have it now." If only there was a way to smudge her face off.

路人甲 looked at her. "It's in your pocket, I know you well. Show it to me."

She refused, but the purse dropped out. Her heart nearly jumped out as 路人甲 looked at it. Dear God, she prayed.

"I can't see his face," 路人甲 laughed and gave her the purse back. She looked at it, 路人甲 wasn't lying, the picture had been changed. She felt relieved, God was on her side, thank You, God, she thought.

"Yes, he's ugly." she said.

"It's 10 minutes past 30 minutes now, I really got to go." 路人甲 said, packing the suitcase.

"Oh, please don't. I just need 5 more minutes, please." she knew 路人甲's weak spot. 路人甲 was kind. 路人甲's heart was as soft and as untouched as a rectangular tofu soaking in some chinese grocery stores. White and smooth, as pure as it can be, incapable of hurting someone even if it wanted to. Well, there's one way to be exact, only one way. 路人甲 had hurt her before using this way, the same way a tofu can hurt someone. Put in on the floor and let the person step on it. That person will slip and fall. In the end the tofu will get hurt as well, no doubt, but this is the only way it would hurt anyone else. She knew it because the tofu had slipped her a few times, and the tofu had the same bruises as she did. Sometimes the tofu is just unaware of it, that it had hurt someone, it is only after the tofu saw what it had done to others that it notices its bruise.

"Okay," 路人甲 said. Looking at her once more.

"I like you," her heart spoke, but it was her mind's voice that was projected, "Thank you. Do you think I did the right choice?" she asked.

"What do you mean?" 路人甲 was confused.

"I mean," she stopped. She didn't know what she meant as well. What was she thinking? "Nothing."

"Tell me, it must be something," 路人甲 insisted.

She laughed, not because of 路人甲 but rather her own stupidity, "nothing."

"Fine, I need to go," 路人甲 took up the suitcase.

"No, wait. 5 more minutes please," she begged.

"Tell me what you were trying to say."

"I..." she thought, there must be something, what was it, "I mean..." she stopped. And her heart spoke again, "I mean I really like you," she gave her forehead a tight smack before her mind projected, "I mean ignoring him."

"Oh, that. Yes you are right, can I go now?" 路人甲 said.

She nodded. "Good luck at work."

"Thank you," 路人甲 said before disappearing into the foggy woods. And there she was standing, looking at the back of this figure until it completely disappeared.

"I wish you all the best, I am happy you found such a loving wife. I will smile too when I know you are smiling, please stay blessed," she said to the woods. Little did 路人甲 know it will be the last time this girl will appear in the woods. "Sorry, 路人甲." This girl has problems of hers she wished to keep away from you.

Guess what

2010-12-16T22:00:00.000+09:00

2010-12-15T18:16:00.000+09:00

Appreciate the days when you stayed over after I tell you about my nightmares,
Appreciate the times when you tell me it's okay you are here, after I cried,
Appreciate the days when you are here when I am about to break down,
Appreciate the times when you rush over to calm me down,

Rainy days, sad times.
You knocked a lot of sense and happiness into my life,
thank you.

Quick update!

2010-12-14T04:26:00.000+09:00

Hi, peeps :) I am still dead busy as ever, I have no idea why this happens to me. I have the worst time management on earth ever. Came home really early today so I could nap and prepare myself for tomorrow. Had quite a bad night last night, no idea why I did that must be my hormones hmm... Anyway I've been really addicted to smelling other people nowadays. Okay, before I sound like some kind of freak, which I am, I have to say I smell them and then guess what they had been smoking on. Yes, "zhik yip beng" I've been doing it so frequently for the past month. And I think now I am so good in it I can almost differentiate the brands and I know if it is light or not. Don't think aftersmoke gum helps, I know. Gosh. I must be so bored. Btw, I just made my famous wild mushroom soup. I swear to God I make the best mushroom soup, not stew I am bad at stews, but soup. Going to let the dude try it, probably one of the tiniest things I can do for him. It's been a depressing week I know. Things happened back at his country, I admit I wasn't too happy about the fact that I had to listen to it, okay my fault, shall redeem it with food and smiles. Sometimes I think if me being happy means you being happy, maybe I should try to smile more in front of you. World's a sick place isn't it.

2010-12-13T02:03:00.000+09:00

It is 1.57 a.m. I just finished typing. I have no idea why, was it even a good idea to begin with? To let the misunderstanding clear up? And I can no longer hide behind any curtains, no longer any reasons to say stay away? Sigh. I really hate this, I hate myself. What's wrong with me? Starting to wonder wouldn't it have been better if I didn't go after anything, nothing my heart tells me to do, instead listen to my mind for once. Feelings? Don't make me laugh, Mae. Don't. It probably doesn't matter anymore. It probably would grow soon enough.

Off to write Japanese essays now. Then study for tomorrow's test. My life sucks.

Questions

2010-12-12T01:59:00.000+09:00

If you disappoint a person, what would you do?
What did I do?

Heartaches.

Am I really happy?
Isn't that obvious?

What have I done?

Where am I?
Perhaps long gone,
Numb from everything,
I've lost me. I just do not want to admit it.
Where am I?
Tell me.

2010-12-10T20:21:00.000+09:00

Why do birds suddenly appear, everytime you are near?

2010-12-09T21:43:00.000+09:00

Sick again. Will sleep it away tonight :) with heater, hot milk, medicine and all. Tomorrow will be a long day.

Annie are you okay?
So Annie are you okay?
Are you okay Annie?

There's only two who would call me Anne/Annie, taking out my ye from the Anne, and one happened to watch the parody of Smooth Criminal lately, resulting in the over usage of that chorus in my daily life :p I think Anne's a good name all cause my favorite aunt's name is Anne.

Things I Wanna Do Back at Home

2010-12-09T00:47:00.000+09:00

1. Watch Rapunzel

2. Eat at Michelangelo.

3. Go to the amusement park, ride roller coasters.

4. Hug tanzhenyin and make him sleep at my room muahaha.

5. Drive to somewhere far.

6. Take the ferry down to Pulau Ketam and spend a quiet day there.

7. Eat KFC.

8. Hang out with family.

9. Visit the malls.

10. Borders, Times, MPH, ALL OF THEM. Yes, ALL.

11. I will add more when the time comes :p

Sigh, and here I am again, typing endlessly to the computer because I am avoiding my assignments. I shall act all emo again because I am a girl and I am allowed to do that. It's been more than 2 months since I left home, and I hate being homesick, it just doesn't feel right, at all. Third semester. Five more semesters to go. It always seems so near yet so faraway. I will be back soon.

2010-12-08T23:48:00.000+09:00

Into the night, dark and cold.
She thinks she has forgotten,
How long was it since the thorn was there,
In her heart,
It won't leave,
It won't speak,
It's just there,
Aching,
Twisting,
She's numb alright.
She's numb.
Yet she still cries
In the middle of the night,
The dark lonely night,
Who can she scream to,
Who can she hold on to,
Memories?
She laughs,
What use are they,
If it does nothing
But twists the thorn more,
Future?
She can't see no more,
She can't hope no more,
She can't pray no more,
She has seen most of it,
She knows most of it.

Nothing but just a paragraph of foreign words,
And her wound's bleeding again.
Bleeding,
again.

Yellow.

2010-12-05T23:56:00.000+09:00

Yallo, I know I should be writing my paper now but some update won't hurt right :P

For starters I have to talk about the absurdity of the search machine. Yes, my search machine, as if the computer is not lagging enough google decided to have this instant search thingie, the one where you type and it automatically searches while you type, I've switched it off a couple of times but it just goes back to on everytime. Yes, last time I thought that the suggestion pages are hilarious enough. I don't know if you had tried it before but try typing a how in the search box and it automatically pops out... how to *ahem* and how to *ahem* ahem o_O'' once I typed a V and the suggestion turned out to be video lucah. Yes, this instant thingie definitely top the suggestion for absurdity. Sigh. Okay gonna post some pics and then work on my paper.

Last pizza I had before tofu diet. It was just okay.

And introducing the stickers on the cover of my wall :D

BaaBaaYellowSheep.


The name of the book and Pigglettie Pig.


Bunnie to the rescue, in a helicopter.

Wee Wang Wang Wonkey.


Bubbly Blue Blunnie.

Starry pants from Giant. They are cute. Tell me F21 has such stars as well :(

Can you see the color of my tights?


Guess :)

Look at the amount of leaves.


First streetcar in Japan. It made me feel like I am in the 50's.


Best pudding. EVER. It's been a year since I've known you and you've not changed one bit :')

Prepare for self obsessed pics, right about now.

Please do ignore messy room, look at my hair. It's glowing muahaha.

Yallo. Crazy woman here.

Eyebags. Eyebags.

Sorry I had no idea what I was thinking as well, probably drunk from all the sunlight.

Okay, shall continue with my paper now :)

2010-12-04T22:26:00.000+09:00

Next post shall be one with ridiculous amount of self obsessed pics. Planning for a Christmas trip, shall eat tofu only so that I can fit into ridiculously small sized but cute coats and jackets :)

Pillow talk.

2010-12-03T00:02:00.000+09:00

I have done all you told me to, why is this emptiness still in me?

What do you mean by emptiness?

I don't know. I just don't feel right.

Are you sad?

Not a bit but I know something's missing.

What's that something?

I don't know.

Have you spared some time for yourself?

I spared more than enough. I can't go on like this any longer, I can't be empty.

Then don't be.

How?

How? Shouldn't you know how if you couldn't go on like that any longer.

It's difficult. Tough.

Difficult. Wouldn't staying this way be more difficult?

I can't stop myself from feeling the emptiness, that's why it's difficult.

Fill your life then, every moment of it.

Is it possible?

Why not?

How so?

I told you, you should know how.

Will you stay here with me then? Till the sun comes up?

I will. I will always be here if you need me.

Thank you, Daniel.

You're welcome.

And sometimes I feel like this

2010-11-29T23:37:00.000+09:00

爱不疚

收藏在眼眸常徘徊左右愛猜到沒有
愉快玩笑後能全然退後你開心就夠

這種感覺太親厚講一千句也不夠
假使講了你聽到後或會走
這種戀愛太罕有不須真正擁有
成全衷心祝福然後就放手

放手放開所有彼此更自由
放手其實我絕非愛得不夠
放手豁出所有還有這個好友
已經已經足夠

遙遠是宇宙靜靜在背後去看守就夠

這種感覺太親厚講一千句也不夠
即使一剎有過衝動挽你手
這種戀愛太罕有不須真正擁有
成全多捨不得仍然是放手

放手放開所有彼此更自由
放手其實我絕非愛得不夠
放手豁出所有還有這個好友
已經已經足夠

放手我的牽掛找不到盡頭
放手期望你幸福甚麼都有
也愛很深厚然而我早看得透
放手至可擁有

2010-11-29T20:24:00.000+09:00

I want to eat guava so bad :( gah!!!

One last post before I shut myself out away from the world.

2010-11-29T00:38:00.000+09:00

She had a heart. She had known the heart so well, yet now all of them accusing her of not having a heart. She is confused, how can she not own one? Wouldn't she be dead by then? Then she turned around. She stopped. She looked at them, it was them without the hearts. Her heart was still beating, with a rather pleasant rhythm to it in fact. It had holes once but she patched it up so neatly with nothing but tears and nightmares. Her heart is functioning rather well now. She will leave those who said everything but knew nothing about her in their own state of minds. She doesn't want to risk getting the holes again. Maybe someday she will take that risk, but not now, not today.

Adieu.

Prepare to be photobombed :) Just saying...

2010-11-28T00:01:00.000+09:00

On the way to Shinjuku station and I met this guide dog.

Its cute! Even has in the middle of work on it's shirt <3

Taken at 光が丘公園

The leaves were almost all gone.

More dogs.


See the light house? :p

Some trees that still had a lot of leaves on it.

Ze friend :)

I think I did a good job taking this. Agree with me.

A tree with all leaves gone but new buds at its end.

Bald tree in front, leafy tree behind.

Maple.

There's something romantic about them.

Daddy. Mommy. Baby. Pile of leaves baby collected.

The lake.


Duckie in Lakey :3

Kind uncle who was feeding the ducks.

Duck on Land.

Kid walking away from ducks.

I don't know what they were doing as well. I only saw hammering and nailing :/

Surrounded by leaves.

Dinner.

Place is famous for tonkatsu but I had ika and kisu instead.

Next stop :)

Cute kid eh.

The other part of the lights.

See that?

I liked the tower but had no idea how to get a cleared picture of it.

This is what happens when I try.

Line outside it was crazy.

Oh my spaghetti!

Half of the snowflake pyramid and ohmyspaghetti.

Without my glasses this is what I see.

Was dead tired when I got home, messy hair to prove it.

Btw that's Mr. Spidey and the leftover Halloween decoration that I was too lazy to clean up. I can just cover Mr. Spidey in cotton and a red hat then rehang it and voila! It's Christmas decoration :)

A very ridiculous picture of me and Peekaboo to end the post with. Goodnight peeps!

2010-11-26T20:03:00.000+09:00

Told ya the baby's back :P and by that I do not mean me. You should know.

Sorry I forgot about the night mode thing so most of my pics are going to be this foggy.

学校の東門

On the way back.

Fancy cars under fancy trees :)

Accidentally switched on flash here, sorry 運転さん。

Does it looks like spinach?

St Ignatius church, funeral was going on in there, that explained all the cars.


I name this tree money tree. Doesn't it look like one? I mean it's all gold.

Garbage that I had to throw, most probably last place I left my key at, yes inside the garbage. Mickey hiding behind my hair.

四ッ谷駅

Trees with yellow leaves on the back.

Going bald!

More yellow leaves.

More bald trees.

Back at home, I prefer the color here, it's a mixture of brown trees, red trees, yellow trees and green trees.

Lipton's Christmas edition, it's damn pretty makes me want to drink it every single day :P

Lawson moved here, had to walk few steps more :( Laziness.


New stockings, old messy room.

I like it a lot :P

Still got a lot of fat to lose from the face, sad case.

The high school.

Tsubaki. Please note that I didn't comb my hair so forget about the mess, see that there's no frizz at all. Thanks to tsubaki :)

Happy Thanksgiving :)

2010-11-25T16:58:00.000+09:00

The
year's coming to an end soon and I am never happier about it. This year's a tough one. Last year was pretty tough but compared to this year last year is paradise. Lesson learned, should always learn to appreciate everything around me now, what might be now might not be tomorrow. Okay enough of the lectures from me :)

And
today I have to say this, if I were a caucasian I would definitely be blond. Yes, my stupidity knows no limit. What I did on my way back today is embarrassing, okay to be fair, what I ALWAYS do on my way back is embarrassing. New embarrassing things always seems to pop out here and there. But I am not complaining, life's treating me real good, maybe the homework overload and all but it's still good. I took pictures on my way home today but I had it set on night mode and my pictures are not as clear as they should be, will try to post some of them up, will have to choose the less disfigured ones for that.

Sleepy.
Sigh. Booked for the weekend, might be good though, I don't need any spare brain time, thinking is bad for me now. I will do it some time soon enough, I've already done too much thinking. Books after books after books, dear brain I've fed you well, please behave from now on and stop sending signals that my body needs tonnes of estrogen and progesterone, I don't need that much of them now, maybe later but not now. And dear body I am sorry but please hang in there for a while, I will fix you when everything's settled. Dear heart, thank you for not screwing me up for like the past two weeks, I promise I will listen to you from now on and stop screwing things up for you as well.

Then
you see today the girl said if I was dating someone cause I am all skirts and dresses nowadays. I said no, weird theory you see, but I get where she's coming from. So her theory was if a girl's taken she'll dress nicer to impress her other one. So I told her the opposite, she has got to dress nicer to impress the one she likes when she's single. But I also think that those theories are ancient. Nowadays, it's all dress up day no matter you're single or taken. We girls just like to walk around in lacey and frilly stuffs. Okay maybe not all, but still if you're happy with what you're wearing and you know that what you're wearing makes you feel cute, you'll be cute. It shows.

Boo
boo! So another question to get your mind working for the day. Which do you think is better? To be pampered or to pamper? I used to be the one who pampered all day long. It felt fulfilling giving till my last bead of sweat, last trickle of tear and last drop of blood. It was all worth it, just looking at the smile from the person who you pampered so much is all worth it. But now, I love sitting down here and have grapes being fed to me in a silver platter. It's beautiful being pampered, yet strange enough , 's not as fulfilling as pampering, there's even lots of guilt involved in being pampered. But I tell myself it'll be okay because I will not the one pampering me now walked the same path as I did. I will swallow the guilt alive.

Thank
you for letting me crown myself for being the most selfish person ever.

Secrets.

2010-11-23T01:00:00.000+09:00

Everyone has a secret. It's my secrets that are keeping me alive, almost like an untold part of my life. I hide it so well, dug a grave so deep and buried them in. If you want to start unearthing it now make sure you are brave enough to know it all. If not don't bring your shovels near me or you might fall into that grave as well.

What's your secret?

New Header.

2010-11-20T22:22:00.000+09:00

I cannot believe how well the color of the blog title goes with my picture. It must be a miracle. I don't know why I had that title as well. Hmm, maybe for some unknown reasons, my brain is subconsciously telling me I can't get any better than this.

I know most of the time I talk about few things, rant about something, and get emotional about everything. That is PERFECTLY normal. I don't even know why I included this sentence here. Anyways, I am kinda done with the virtual world thing. I only log in to Facebook to mock my siblings or build some buildings for Backyard Monsters. My twitter is so dead too. I tweet once a week mostly retweets. Maybe I am too busy with school as well. School's crazy as heck, everything seems to be falling into place but it's all so packed. My bedtime's at 3 or 4 and I find it really rare to get to sleep before 2. And then on the nights before my holidays I sleep once I reach home. It's almost pathetic, but hey, if you average it out, I need those sleeps to get like a eight hour sleep every day.

Sigh. Will have to work on papers and tests again.

2010-11-20T21:22:00.000+09:00

Guess who's back :)

Autumn's here. Liking the colors and all. It's brown this season!

One of the Shugeibu pics.

This baby here got us waiting for like hours. Worth it though :)

The streetlight, the moon and the star. Beautiful evening it was.

Evening at its best.

2010-11-18T23:12:00.000+09:00

And there I was sitting in the middle of the moving train, thinking. Thinking of how lucky I was. I wasn't too lucky when it comes to this though, things like this only comes once or twice. And if I didn't hang on long enough, they would come back at me. This time around I am determined not to let it get the better of me. I will wait. I knew he was tall. I considered anyone taller than me tall, I am no taller than 5 foot, missing perhaps an inch or two. And there he was at his height, today he seemed taller than usual. He knew today is an important day, he knew what it meant for me to have him here. I knew it too. He knew I knew. I was grateful, I showed him more than gratitude today. I spoke to him in his language, something he secretly enjoyed. He had only spoken that language till three or four, then someone robbed him of it. Someone made him speak in only English. But he loved his language, I knew he did. He was no much better than I was at it. Occasionally I would laugh at his mistakes, sometimes he would stare wide in amazement with how I managed to make the language sound like gibbish. I spoke to him the whole day, despite the crazy workloads. There he was with the sun setting, he was still there. I've gotten my key I was safe now. He asked if I should change it instead. I said no, I do not need another burn in my pocket. He had trust in his country's safety, but he had no trust in what I thought I was capable of. After losing almost everything including my mind for the past month, he is probably now the only one who knew what I really am capable of. I proved him right once more when we got home and the door was still jammed. I laughed so loud, at my luck and my stupidity. I was glad he was there to laugh with me. I was glad he shared the shame with me when I had to call for help once more. And boy was he glad when he knew that the lock had to be changed after all. His grin almost seemed like a seven year old who had just earned his first trophy. He said he won't make me worry about the holes in my pocket or wallet. He knew the holes I am already trying to patch up. I couldn't thank him enough, but the locks didn't cost anything. For that I have to thank the other nice person. Today, my view towards everything changed again.

What's right what's wrong, does it matter anymore? It really doesn't. Sigh. Falling too deep, falling too fast, but I know this is it. Sorry bout the ghetto thing, the man's from the hood :p influenced much by him.

2010-11-14T00:21:00.001+09:00

Received something that made my day. Really did. Dear friend, person, I don't know what I should call you, who sent me the mail. No, the poem does not even have the least bit to do with romance or anything. It's despair, anxiety, isolation and what else. So please don't start accusing me of anything. And to the extend of linking it to what I wrote. My dear, you are very wrong. The person I am talking about one of the few that still gives me hope and courage, my dear father who I can't stop disappointing everyday I am working on the doing better as a daughter part, so far no improvements yet. I do not know what's wrong with you, why would you think that way because, if you still do want to argue from the last post, I don't think you or he is that much of a giver, geez sorry bad time for wake up calls right? My fault. You see, I've already done EVERYTHING you have suggested.

1. Get a life.

Yes, I just got myself a few thank you very much. Just at the store beside my house, I can recommend you some too since you seem to be in desperate need of it as well.

2. Move on.

OH! Surprise! I am walking, running in fact.

3. Stop writing such things it is making EVERYONE uncomfortable.

I NEVER did start writing such things, how can I stop then. I think, I really do think that I can't help it if you interpret it wrongly. What am I to do? Point out every second like maybe, oh wait before you continue reading I must remind you, what I wrote just now it is all... and write a 1200 words essay on it? Yes, I should put that into consideration.

4. Don't contact mryouknowwho anymore.

Well, well, well. I think so too. Since I can see that it must have been discussed for a real long time on how to make me be the one who cut off the communications. You guys don't want to be the bad guy. It's okay. I'll do it again. I've got no more to give, you know that and no more benefits to gain from me, I know that too. So, dear friends, I will do you guys a really big favor. I am changing my everything! Fun, right? My email and all contacts. Don't worry, I am a really fast person. Emails all changed, you won't be able to find me now even if the world's coming to an end or something.

Thank you.

2010-11-11T20:02:00.000+09:00

Makes me wonder what I am doing most of the time,
Is this right or is it wrong.
Please keep me on my path, on my track,
I do not want anything more than this,
I do not need anything more than this.

I am contended,
please stop giving,
without one word of request,
I can't take anymore,
I love you too much to take anymore,
I want to give as well,
I want to be able to look at you and say,
I deserve you.

As the day grows old,
I know the day will come,
when you will leave,
I will cry, I said I will not but I am sorry,
I have to,
I will regret the days I wasted in rage,
I will remember the days you pulled me back,
but before that time comes,
I will be here, nowhere else.

The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock by T.S Eliot

2010-11-11T16:36:00.000+09:00

S’io credesse che mia risposta fosse

A persona che mai tornasse al mondo,

Questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse.

Ma perciocche giammai di questo fondo

Non torno vivo alcun, s’i’odo il vero,

Senza tema d’infamia ti rispondo.


LET us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a patient etherised upon a table;
Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
The muttering retreats	5
Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
Streets that follow like a tedious argument
Of insidious intent
To lead you to an overwhelming question …	10
Oh, do not ask, “What is it?”
Let us go and make our visit.

In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo.

The yellow fog that rubs its back upon the window-panes,	15
The yellow smoke that rubs its muzzle on the window-panes
Licked its tongue into the corners of the evening,
Lingered upon the pools that stand in drains,
Let fall upon its back the soot that falls from chimneys,
Slipped by the terrace, made a sudden leap,	20
And seeing that it was a soft October night,
Curled once about the house, and fell asleep.

And indeed there will be time
For the yellow smoke that slides along the street,
Rubbing its back upon the window-panes;	25
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;	30
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea.

In the room the women come and go	35
Talking of Michelangelo.

And indeed there will be time
To wonder, “Do I dare?” and, “Do I dare?”
Time to turn back and descend the stair,
With a bald spot in the middle of my hair—	40
[They will say: “How his hair is growing thin!”]
My morning coat, my collar mounting firmly to the chin,
My necktie rich and modest, but asserted by a simple pin—
[They will say: “But how his arms and legs are thin!”]
Do I dare	45
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.

For I have known them all already, known them all:—
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,	50
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
I know the voices dying with a dying fall
Beneath the music from a farther room.
So how should I presume?

And I have known the eyes already, known them all—	55
The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase,
And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin,
When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall,
Then how should I begin
To spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways?	60
And how should I presume?

And I have known the arms already, known them all—
Arms that are braceleted and white and bare
[But in the lamplight, downed with light brown hair!]
It is perfume from a dress	65
That makes me so digress?
Arms that lie along a table, or wrap about a shawl.
And should I then presume?
And how should I begin? . . . . .
Shall I say, I have gone at dusk through narrow streets	70
And watched the smoke that rises from the pipes
Of lonely men in shirt-sleeves, leaning out of windows?…

I should have been a pair of ragged claws
Scuttling across the floors of silent seas. . . . . .
And the afternoon, the evening, sleeps so peacefully!	75
Smoothed by long fingers,
Asleep … tired … or it malingers,
Stretched on the floor, here beside you and me.
Should I, after tea and cakes and ices,
Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis?	80
But though I have wept and fasted, wept and prayed,
Though I have seen my head [grown slightly bald] brought in upon a platter,
I am no prophet—and here’s no great matter;
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,
And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker,	85
And in short, I was afraid.

And would it have been worth it, after all,
After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,
Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,
Would it have been worth while,	90
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
To have squeezed the universe into a ball
To roll it toward some overwhelming question,
To say: “I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all”—	95
If one, settling a pillow by her head,
Should say: “That is not what I meant at all.
That is not it, at all.”

And would it have been worth it, after all,
Would it have been worth while,	100
After the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets,
After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along the floor—
And this, and so much more?—
It is impossible to say just what I mean!
But as if a magic lantern threw the nerves in patterns on a screen:	105
Would it have been worth while
If one, settling a pillow or throwing off a shawl,
And turning toward the window, should say:
“That is not it at all,
That is not what I meant, at all.” . . . . .	110
No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;
Am an attendant lord, one that will do
To swell a progress, start a scene or two,
Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool,
Deferential, glad to be of use,	115
Politic, cautious, and meticulous;
Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse;
At times, indeed, almost ridiculous—
Almost, at times, the Fool.

I grow old … I grow old …	120
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.

Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?
I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach.
I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.

I do not think that they will sing to me.	125

I have seen them riding seaward on the waves
Combing the white hair of the waves blown back
When the wind blows the water white and black.

We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown	130
Till human voices wake us, and we drown.

2010-11-11T00:42:00.000+09:00

12.01 a.m. Takashimadaira. Night. 9 ℃.

He's shivering in the cold. I am crying in the dark.

He's standing under the rain. I am hiding under the blanket.

He's calling out to me. I am waiting for an answer.

Sigh, dark night isn't it?

I am officially ranking Shinjuku as a better place to shop than Harajuku. I used to like Harajuku more but now I am in love with Shinjuku especially near Takashimaya area. Yes, I was stupid for not noticing it earlier. I love to walk down to Forever 21 first then make my way up to Topshop, Gap, and then Zara and yes, it gets my blood pumping :) Got myself a windbreaker, a jacket and a body fitting dress. I didn't get the boots though, I do not want anymore leather boots, I want something that looks softer.

Off to finish my response paper on marriage :) I shall hug my windbreaker to sleep tonight. It is not any normal windbreaker, it is a very cute windbreaker mind you. I am planning to keep it inside the closet till the average temperature drops to a single digit like for most of the day. For now I will survive in my jacket and then my trench. See, a happy post today. Not as difficult as I expected it to be.

2010-11-10T05:04:00.001+09:00

Too lazy to write the dates and all.

I have decisions to make. I hate making decisions most of the time, not a really big fan of one. I don't mind giving random ideas, but making a decision just takes up most of my time. I would rather have both if you ask me. Spending more time with the hand-maidens, they recently brought the topic of what would I do after I graduate. (The two club leaders were leaving because they were graduating, reason as to why it's suddenly so highly discussed in our club.) They asked if I would work in Japan or if I would go back to Malaysia. Decisions again, I've learned to understand and like this country but I love my home more. Sigh, I've been living off my parents for two whole decades. Five more months and it will be the 21st anniversary :) I had in mind that even if I worked I might still need support from my parents, judging by the way I spend. Maybe not, who knows.

Sigh, too early to make that decision right now.

Gucci, why are you doing this to me? Why?

2010-11-08T23:31:00.000+09:00

Drowning in the fray, a good day to you too. I am doing good, I hope you are doing fine too. Today's the 8th, the 9th soon to come. My lappie's sending out S.O.S signal. Shall leave it to rest.

Nightmares. Haunting nightmares.

2010-11-08T03:16:00.000+09:00

I've been updating religiously. Bored, perhaps. Sigh. My posts are short and most of the time incoherent, sorry about that. Those are my raw thoughts, will try to do something about it and start working on better and long posts. Emotional rants are good for health you see, so I am ranting every chance I get. Finger's still feeling weird.

I will sleep now and keep my fingers crossed. I hope that I have better dreams. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh.

I was lost and confused. Got lost in the maze. I was so close to the end, to the exit the other day. But I turned around and stepped back into the maze because of one call. I said I will mark the roads this time so that I won't get lost. I will get back out again as soon as I reached the call. But I was wrong, I am lost in it again. 迷った。 I will figure a way out again and make sure this time I don't turn back, no matter what it is.

2010-11-08T01:58:00.001+09:00

1.33 a.m。高島平。黒夜。 14度。

Sewed some cloth today but somehow stabbed 1/4 of the needle into my finger. I was holding the needle with my right, the cloth on my left. I pulled the needle away at first so that the thread would be straight and then hell happened, I cleverly yanked the cloth down and stabbed my forefinger. There's no blood from the wound, and there's only a tiny hole in my finger but it was so pain. My finger went numb for like half an hour, and then the trembling and ache started after that. I have no idea sewing would be this dangerous. I will wear a thimble next time.

Forget the Japanese, just wanted to try the new keyboard setting :) I love it, now I can type both Japanese and English without having to click 3452068 buttons before getting my words straight.

2010-11-07T14:52:00.000+09:00

2.39 p.m. Takashimadaira. Sunny. 19°C

I dreamed that someone told me I was going to die, it's either now or decades of years from now. I didn't know why but I said now will be fine. He asked me to think of something, I thought about the past. My family, the memories and I said I wanted to hold on something, I wanted to hold on to one piece of memory. It was a really long journey, he even told me what would it be like life after death. I would be sent to another world, to live what I am living, with the same people but different events and different histories. I went there. I knew they were different but they were familiar, I knew them. And it was time for me to leave. A train came, I was at the station along with my grannie and one of them who I treasured so much. The train stopped. I had to go in, I was holding the last piece of memory he had promised to let me walk with. She went in first, she had to go, had to go before me. At that moment, I doubted, the memory I held on to stopped me from taking the train. I cried, I told grannie I can't go. She nodded. The woman in train nodded as well. I thought she would step down but instead she waved goodbye. I asked her to come down, I am not leaving anymore, please come down. She said she had to go, it will be okay even if she's alone. I told grannie that I will take the train with her, forget about the memories. Grannie held on to me, she said, she'll be okay alone. You know where she will be going anyway. Now say goodbye. I saw the train leave, with her in it.

2010-11-06T01:53:00.000+09:00

1.45 a.m. Takashimadaira. Starry. 14°C

Finally a short weekend pause after the really long week. But busier days are going to come soon, midterm will be here end of this month, let's pray I will do good in it. Yesterday felt like a dream, but I still can't decide if it's a nightmare or if it's a sweet one. I will have to wake up really soon one day. Goodbye my friend it never ends.

2010-11-06T00:25:00.000+09:00

The snow,
drenched in blood,
it turned a dark crimson red,
it seeped,
it spread,
the warm blood,
flows.

At the right
a pair of heel sinks,
into the snow,
with every step,
a chilly laugh,
broke,
the silent of the winter night,
gone.

2010-11-05T01:06:00.000+09:00

1.03 a.m. Takashimadaira. Starry. 12°C.

7 hours before I have to leave the house. 1200 words more to go. Sigh. I skipped classes today. But didn't regret it cause I knew it is a much needed rest. Both physically and mentally. I will write more soon, when I am not feeling this screwed.

Loves.

The End.

2010-11-04T15:14:00.002+09:00

There was once when she was young and stupid. She gave it all she could afford to. She would travel an hour just to see him because he said that she was too faraway. She sometimes asked him to do the traveling and I don't know the way was all he replied. Had she not know the way when she first went to him as well? The days passed by, the girl knew nothing about what he had in mind but she gave it all, she gave it all. She knew life was harder on him, she knew she was lucky compared to him, perhaps that is why she got worried most of the time. She wanted him to have the best, this guy meant a lot to her. To him, she was just a mere passerby in his life, someone he would call out for occasional walks but not one he would remember. He had a friend, one he could and would do anything for. What was she to him? She didn't know, she didn't want to know. Days continue to grow, so did her attachment to him. It almost seemed like he is the only light, but she knew she couldn't let it be. He can be her light, but she can't be his light. It was all destined to be. She knew it by heart. The day came when she had to go, she doesn't know how many winters would have passed before she would be home again. She had once hoped that it would all be good. He was still all she had.

Few months later, she met a puppy at the land faraway from home. The puppy was rebellious, it would make her laugh on rainy days and make her drop some tears on sunny days. She enjoyed the puppy's companionship. It made her days pass faster. She had no idea if the puppy liked her, the puppy seemed to enjoy the days without her more. Yet, when she was gone the puppy would frown a little, and happily wag its tail when she came home. Perhaps, she thought, perhaps she meant something to this puppy. She started to let the puppy into her heart, hoping that this puppy would appreciate and acknowledge her. She really did. Winter came and the puppy kept her warm. She still sent letters to him most of the time, returned with a reply according to his emotions. Most of her calls answered with an annoyed hello. He had lies after lies to keep her away. How much did he hate her? She doesn't know. She doesn't want to know.

She once cried in front of the puppy, asking the puppy why. What has she done wrong? Had she been too sticky? Had she wanted too much? Was it too much to ask that he treat her with equivalent passion as he would to his friend? The puppy said nothing instead ran off. What was she to do? She had nothing to lean on. Nothing but pillars built from tears and shattered dreams. She had nothing left. Winter came soon again, the frost killing her from the outside, her bitterness slowly swallowing her whole in the inside. Everything, everything is gone. This will be the end.

2010-11-04T02:08:00.000+09:00

"Don't let go of me Takeru, I do not want to fall down," she tightened her grip on his hand.

"I won't Miko," the boy in front said.

She nodded. Both of them were trying to keep their balance, trying to not fall off the log.

"You'll have better balance if you let go of him," I said. I was at the banks of the river, soaking my sore feet.

She looked at me, her eyes filled with tears. The boy in front defiantly turned his head towards me. His eyes filled with some sort of rage.

"What if Takeru falls down?" she shouted.

"He won't," I laughed.

They were still holding hands, the girl was still looking at me deciding what to do was best for them, the boy was staring blankly at his feet by then.

"Miko, if you are afraid of falling, I can let go of your hand," he finally said.

"No!" she cried, "I am not afraid of falling. I..."

I removed my feet from the river then picked up my straw sandals.

"I don't want to walk alone without you."

I looked at the only log connecting to the other side, they were in the middle of it, not a step made further since I interrupted them.

The boy blushed, "What if I fall?"

I had to be at the town before evening.

"I don't want you to fall alone either." she finally cried. She wiped her tears with her left hand.

I smiled to myself.

"I won't fall. I won't let you fall as well. Even if you fell I won't let go of your hands."

"What if you fall? Little one?" I said again, complicating the day more for the two seven year olds in front of me.

"I... I will have to let go of Miko then, I can't let her fall with me."

I folded my trousers up to my knees.

"No! Stupid Takeru! I said I won't let you fall alone!"

They were quiet, not talking anymore, but they were still at the same spot. I was in a rush, there was no other way for me to cross than walking, its depth was nothing more than a foot.

2010-11-03T00:34:00.001+09:00

12.08 a.m. Takashimadaira. Clear night, 15°C.

It's been a long day. Tears and frustration, but I wiped them and continued to plaster a smile on my face for the whole day. I know I can do this, It's not like I've not been here before. Watching the performances today, I had a lot in my mind. The r&b dances, the hip hops, the saxophone, the flute, the orchestra, the play, the everything, they seem to be playing next to each other. Sigh, got an invitation today, I was wondering so hard how did they know I paint. But I said no thank you anyway, I don't have the time and enough paint for now. I have to get to new boots tomorrow, a coat preferably not trench, and more self heating stuffs to keep me warm for the winter. The winter is going to be chilly this year. Sigh again. But today is warmer than it is, I kept myself warm under 4 layers of clothes and constantly drank hot yuzu tea over the day.

Babbling again. Gotta say I am sorry :( goodnight peeps!

The world would be such a better place if coffee milk came from cows that had been feeding only on coffee bean :)

2010-11-01T22:18:00.002+09:00

10.05 p.m. Tokyo. Starry, 17°C.

First day of November is coming to an end. Soon it will be December and the year will end. Every end of the year I tell myself that things next year definitely won't get worse than this year. And every time I proved myself wrong. Things can and will get worse. Today, at the station I almost cried again. This time for really wrong reasons, I nearly threw a very bad tantrum, but I did not. I managed to walk down the entrance with no more than a slight curve on my lips. Even my tears that I seemed to have no control over listened to me for once. Maybe this is what grown ups do, they feel but they never show. Long journey I would say.

I am starting on 村上春樹's work. I like him, almost as much as I like J.D. Salinger. It might be too late to realize but, I've only been reading books by female authors for like the whole of my life. The closest male author I ever get to is Khaled Hosseini or Christopher Pike. And to be honest, it is very different. from female authors Very distinguishably different, but I don't know how to explain it. I hope I am making some sense. I've never made much sense.

2010-11-01T02:27:00.000+09:00

2.11 a.m. Tokyo, Rainy, 16°C.

Rain, rain, go away.
Come again another day.
Another day when I am not cold,
another day when I am not sick,
another day when I am not in grief,
another day.

Sigh.
I'll need to make Emma as soon as possible and start making dresses for her. That will keep me company for the time being. I wanna make her little jolies, neverfulls, gallieras and some latest collection of poppys.

2010-10-31T02:15:00.001+09:00

When it's so pain, it gets hard for you to even breathe. It feels like the air is sucked out from you, but you can't breathe anymore in. It's just dry and painful, everything's gone. But do tell yourself, one day you will see. One day, some day.

2.16 a.m. Tokyo. Cloudy, 16°C.

It's been raining for the whole day. Typhoon no.14, wasn't as scary as no.11 last year though. I slept through most of the day. I have fallen sick again, must be the sudden changes in weather. I have been getting sick very frequently recently. I remember the last time I was this sick is actually only less than a month ago. My immune system is all wrecked up. Since I am sick, I ate normal meals yesterday and today, even made myself a cup of hot cocoa and heated some lemon with ginger. I hope all the nutrients will do me good. I didn't take the antibiotics or any medicine for the last two days until just now. I was hoping that my antibody would take them down on its own but I am not going to risk it again. I will do that next time. Curing the cold and fever comes first, influenza season again. The school even set up sinks with disinfectants along the roads. Or maybe it's for the festival. I don't know. Everything's a blur. Medicine's working.

I will sleep again for now and hope that I will have nice dreams :)

Goodnight y'all.

2010-10-27T01:54:00.000+09:00

Moon River, wider than a mile,
I'm crossing you in style some day.
Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker,
wherever you're going I'm going your way.
Two drifters off to see the world.
There's such a lot of world to see.
We're after the same rainbow's end--
waiting 'round the bend,
my huckleberry friend,
Moon River and me.

How much can the heart take? How much? I have been saying it since the first day, gosh, dear god, I know, I point that way, telling myself there it is, happiness waiting for me. Go grab it, walk there, you know you can. I have been doubting too much, started to pile bricks after bricks to build my new wall, a wall that will keep them away from me, a wall that will pretty much keep me sane. Sigh, how I wished there would be someone, someone that knows exactly where to push so that the wall would fall and at the same time the bricks wouldn't hit me. She, one that had very wrong thoughts about where our borderline was, tried pushing them once, wrong place you see, the bricks fell and hit me hard on the head, the wall broken yes, but I was badly hurt. I rebuilt the wall there with harder bricks and stronger cements. Would there be one who would know where to push and not cause a single brick to fall on my head?

Stupidity. Paid a high price for it. How I wished I could have paid the amount in cash instead. Life would be so much easier that way.

Chapter 2

2010-10-21T02:18:00.005+09:00

She looked at the cigarette stick between her fingers. She was tempted to lit it since a few minutes ago, she needed it, but not now, not at this moment when the silence was still going on. She had to wait for one to stand up first, to suggest they need a breather, a break from all this.

"So," Mr. Morrison who was in front of the room said, "I believe that most of you have no questions. So, should we end this early today?"

She showed a slight bit of excitement from his statement. Early. She liked that word already. She tried to look around, to see if there's any hands raised. There was one, on the left side, a few rows in front of her. She squeezed the cigarette, a little disturbed with the person's decision to raise his hand, a question. A loud laughter erupted from the back of the class before another thought ran into her mind. The question was a humorous one, but she had not the least bit interest in it, she wanted to leave. She let her empty hand run into her pockets, stretching out to the lighter she treasured the most. She held onto it, her hands still in her pockets, there was a strange familiar warmth.

"Thank you for that interesting question. I hope that my answer was as interesting as well. And with that I will end it now, those of you who are interested can stay back and ask me if you want to know more, those of you who are in a rush of leaving," Mr. Morrison looked at Allie, "can leave now. Have a nice weekend."

Allie gave him a satisfied smile, wise decision, she seemed to say. She stood up and grabbed her bag with her left arm, heavy from the silver bangles she had put on earlier today, silver looked good on her fair skin. It was not only silver, she looked good with any color, her skin color was her greatest asset. It wasn't at its best condition though, her newly developed smoking habit had taken some of the glow, some of the radiant. "I'll get over this habit soon." she told herself. She reached for the lighter again, put the wrinkled cigarette between her lips. She lit it up when she was at the entrance. She was looking at the sky, the bright crescent moon hanged in the middle of the dark night sky, it was breathtaking. How long would it be before the glaring sun rise, stealing away such a breathtaking scene, she thought.

"Allie!"

He's here. Finally.

2010-10-19T02:28:00.000+09:00

A voice so soft, so gentle that I will never forget. That moment, that laughter, I thought I was home. I opened my eyes and I still could hear them, the window looked the same. It broke my heart, I cried. Never had it touched me so deep. The voice I used to runaway from.

October 13th

2010-10-13T10:14:00.000+09:00

If you learn to let go you'll learn to breathe in more air :) I have tonnes of words to say here but I am going to do that after I revise my Japanese. They are killing me. My 漢字 is so bad I probably need a month or two just to catch up on it. The problem with me is that, when other study their 漢字 I would just memorize them a few minutes before the quiz and forget it the very next minute. I've promised myself to not only memorize them but know them from my heart :P cheesiness. And, rereading Persuasion makes me feel so bad. It's not a particularly good time to read Persuasion you see. It's not even a good time to read Pride and Prejudice. It just makes the world seem so sad. My room now smells like a hamster cage for some weird reason. It always smells like something else. Gah *pulls hair*

Sigh. Need to do my laundry.

2010-10-10T23:20:00.001+09:00

In a world where everyone knows everyone. Frustration. It is cute sometimes, yes, that I cannot deny. But it is not cute at all when you know who starts to want to know everyone you've known. That, my dear, is pure creepy. Do you not value your own privacy? Does it really excite you that much to have the tonnes of hypocrites, with that smile of theirs in front of you and knives right in their hand when you turn around? Why don't you stop it? You know you can, you know all you have to do is say no, say this is not correct. Lines should be clearly drawn, my world and your world, maybe there will be a few gray spots in between these worlds, but let's face it if there's all gray and no black and white how would it be? Sigh, getting all worked up for nothing. I will let you handle this your own this time. Let's hope that he would be kind enough to slap you awake. I trust him enough for that.

p.s: to top everything, my room smells like someone had just smoked weed in it or something :S how can I not be frustrated. Gah! Persuasion!

Chapter 1

2010-10-10T02:21:00.002+09:00

It was the third email that she woke up to. Mails from a person she had last expected. Her fingers trembled as they ran through the screen. The words that once meant so much left nothing but a pinching ache in her. She looked at the alarm clock, few more minutes till the alarm clock would ring, 6.53 a.m. "6.53," she said to herself, "it should be a few more minutes to five in the evening for him." Gently, she pressed the button on the alarm clock and looked at the phone again. It once brought all but joy to her, now the phone seemed like a reminder, a reminder of all that had happened, a reminder of what she thought would be. She pushed the heavy comforter on her to her left, pulled her legs away from the one year old bed, then placed her bare feet on the cold marble floor.

It was not a weekday but waking early had been her only option. She can't bare the sleepless long cold nights, she'd came to the solution that spending the brighter parts in a day would be better than the darker ones. At least, she knew the world would be alive during the day, the dead silence of night sometimes make the tears to fall easier; another something she had came to deny for the past months, that the tears only came after nightfall and not because she was sad. Soon enough she had a glass of milk in her hands. The television switched on and she was greeted by unfamiliar faces with fake smiles on their face pretending to be interested in what they were talking about. She gave a sigh as she slowly sipped the milk. Another day is about to start. Her room was spotless clean, the laundry all done, the dishes had been rewashed for their third time yesterday. There was nothing else she could have done to get him off her mind. A laughter from the television snapped her out from her thoughts. The glass was empty, by then it was already half past seven. She placed the glass at the sink, almost sparkling from all the cleaning she had done.

The phone rang again. This time she was determined to finish washing the glass before looking at the messages.

Bang! Bang! Bang!

She froze for a second. The phone had stopped ringing but there was someone knocking at her door. She sighed again as she pulled her gloves out from her hands. The knock seemed to get louder over time.

"Yes, yes! Coming!"

She was in fact irritated, having to rush to her door at 8 in the morning on a weekend wasn't one of her favorite things to do. She'd in fact preferred the knock to be after 11, after she had clean the dishes for her breakfast. The knock was getting more impatient. She turned the lock and gave the metal knob a twist and a push.

There he was, the tall figure with the dark blond hair and the sparkling green eyes, standing in front of her. He had a smile, the dimple on his cheeks unmistakenly the one she had seen a thousand of times. It was him. He's home.

"I am home," he said.

"Welcome home," was all she could squeeze through the happiness and the tears. She almost made a leap. It was shock, disbelieve, joy and confusion. She didn't know what to do all she knew was to not let him leave her sight again. She wrapped her hands wrapped around his neck, buried her teary face in his chest, for the first time she made no complains about the stench of cigarettes his shirts always seem to have. "Welcome," she said again. He said no more, gently wrapping his arms around her waist. He is back.

Losing my sanity.

2010-10-08T02:09:00.000+09:00

You'll not know what is true
You'll not see what it is
You'll not hear what is real.

Blind me and ask me to see what you have in your hands,
Zip me and ask me to speak what I think,
Cover me and ask me to hear what the birds sang.

Delusional.
Know you, the truth?
Know you, if this is real?

Sanity.
Lost.
Flown.

Step. Step. Step. Step. Step.

2010-10-03T00:38:00.003+09:00

Three steps forward and two steps back.

First step back for the promises I never kept.
Second step back for the years we spent.

First step forward for the days that you did not care,
Second step forward for the times that you made no effort,
Third step forward for sorries you never said.

Another step back for the grief I put you through,
One more step back for the smile you put on me.

One heartbreaking step forward for the tears I shed for you,
One agonizing step forward for the cries you ignored,
One painful step forward for the accusation you made,

One last step forward for that final lie you said,
the last lie from you I will ever fall for.

2010-09-30T20:09:00.000+09:00

Lying as dead as I can be on my bed. Thinking. Thinking. Still thinking.
Going to start all over from scratch again. Sigh. I hate this.

Rain.

2010-09-28T22:28:00.003+09:00

Rainy season I guess. Funny cause I don't remember it rained this heavy last year this time. In fact, last year this time I was at the Freshman camp and it did not rain. The weather was cold and the skies were dark, yes, but rain? No. It rained on the evening I landed. It rained on the afternoon I moved back in to the old place. It rained last two mornings when I went over to school. It rained every night. I don't mind the rain at all. My mind is at its best when it rains. I find nothing more peaceful than walking down a street during rainy days. Everyone is hiding underneath the plastic umbrellas, focused on the floor, determined not to get wet, avoiding every puddle with their already soaking wet shoes. It's the only time when the city slows down a little and minds their own business instead of looking at what designer label is the person standing beside the vending machine wearing. The rain wraps each of us in our very own world like a sphere made from dark glass, trapping us in it, we look around and try to see through it, the person outside of the sphere is blurred, the one inside reflected on the walls of the sphere, it makes nothing but a perfect reflection of our own. It brings out emotion even in the most cold-blooded person.

I wonder if the rain works this way in other places as well. Rain.

I met the girlfriends today. One commented on the weight I gained, inevitable. One was more concerned about how I was doing. I had my best smile on and replied her with a, "I am more than good!" I wonder if I would ever open up my heart and tell them no, that I am dying inside. I need a place to scream. I wonder if I would ever have the courage to do so, to just break down and sob in front of them, admit that I am this weak, admit that I am this fragile that nothing is left but a broken heart and a mind so screwed up inside. It seems more like a manner that I am practising now, to be cheerful and happy in front of them. Occasionally I still lose my manner and have a few sad moments in front of them. But I am trying my best. Then that makes me wonder how many of them are actually practising the same manners as me? I personally know a few, mostly childhood friends. The last time I lost my manner and broke down in public was last year, this time as well. When I had my first piece of assignment read out loud. I cried as she translated the letters into a sorrow tone of words, prayed that only our little group of four saw me cry. And few months later I nearly broke down in public again, when I was inside the train. I fought so hard to kept my tears in. I forgot what triggered it, all I remembered was a long twenty minutes train ride, me fighting every second to not let the tear drop. It didn't.

Something is still missing. I do not know what. Perhaps I do know but it is impossible, I'd rather pretend I not know it than to acknowledge the fact that it is unachievable.

These tears, the sorrow, the agony.
Winter blues.

2010-09-26T06:05:00.000+09:00

You see, my dear, I am having more nightmares than I am supposed to have. Can I not blame you for this? Sigh.

This makes no sense.

2010-09-25T00:08:00.000+09:00

"Shhh... listen. Can you hear it?" He placed a finger on his lips.

"Hear what?"

"My heartbeat." The wind blew gently against his hair. Spring was in the air.

"It's soft. You're too faraway."

"I want you to hear it that far away." He closed his eyes.

"It's impossible. Come closer."

"No."

My eyes started to burn from the tears.

"Attention to all crew members, the plane will begin to takeoff. Please remain in your seats." I looked around. What happened to the spring breeze? What happened to the wet grass we were sitting on. He is not here anymore. This is not happening now. I grabbed the cushioned handles, my nails dug in as deep as they could. The plane was moving, it is happening, I am leaving. The slow shaky walk turned into a loud roar and soon enough a dangerous run. That was it. The plane soared as my heart sank. Can this be nothing more than a terrible nightmare? Can I wake up from all this and find myself to not have a wet pillow anymore? The plane. The heart. The heartbreaker. The dreamer.

12 hours

2010-09-22T00:01:00.000+09:00

2010-09-20T12:52:00.000+09:00

Happiness.
What does it really mean?
What do we need to be really happy?
Fabrics of gold with silver linings?
Fame and name nothing less than the president's?
A person that you can hold on to during the darkest times?
I think all we need is a simple mind and a pure heart.
As corrupted as my mind is, I am afraid to say,
it's no less than complicated,
a smile I can't always afford.
As polluted as my heart is, I am proud to say,
it's now as dark as any starless night,
a smile I can't bear to see.

Sigh.
Leaving home once again.
The heart is sad and it screams,
No, please stop now,
No, please go back to a month before.
But it won't.
The present is where I am at.
The future is what I cannot see.
The past is something I cannot change.

2010-08-29T12:54:00.000+09:00

The first night I was looking out a window with very big snowflakes falling outside. The second night I had a glass which was broken in my hands, I looked at it for the whole time. Last night I dreamt of nose bleeding.

2010-08-21T21:55:00.000+09:00

Long time no see! I will update when I am back :) Loves!

Happy Ending

2010-08-10T00:08:00.001+09:00

Because I do not believe in starting a new one when I can't forget the past yet. Just need time. Time is all I need nothing else :)

Sat at the back of Dad's car today, and was reminded of those little things that we all seem to forget. It's this moments that keeps us going. This little moment in our life that reminds us of what is actually worth fighting for and what should be put aside.

Love is, love is this moment when I realized I can't be more grateful for every other thing and how I realized nothing else matter more than this.

When there is a wound, there might be a scar. All scars come from wounds but not all wounds make scars scar. Some wounds are never deep enough to scar you for life. Some wounds are so deadly leaving a scar might seem like the only way out. But some wounds can be carefully treated and healed, those wounds that are deep enough to cause a scar but treated with nothing but intense care that no scar would be left behind. This is never easy, the wound is complicated and might take a long time, but isn't it worth to not be scarred yet the experience gained.

2010-07-31T05:47:00.000+09:00

It's 5.30 am. Everyone is still asleep. Few days from now this same time, I will be taking a train to Chiba. Going back to a place I call home. It's funny because reading back the previous posts. It seems like a really long journey I had took to reach here. Is this what I really want? I always ask myself, and I know the answer so well, but I know this answer is not one that they would want to hear. I've been really selfish for the whole two decades of my life. Acting as I please, not comprising. This time, I want to be less selfish. I want to do something for the sake of them, and not me. Happiness. What does it mean? It's been a really long way we've all walked. And maybe happiness is to loosen my grip and not be afraid to do so. I've always thought that gripping on something with everything I have is the only way to make sure it won't go away. Maybe I've gripped on too tight. I didn't notice that my grip is hurting those who I am holding on too, I didn't notice that they are not smiling anymore. I thought if I had not let go someone would eventually smile to approve me of my determination. I know I am wrong now. The smile's gone because of my grip. I want to see the smile again. Distant perhaps but at least there is a smile.

2010-07-30T14:37:00.001+09:00

I am back with a very huge page for my blog :) What do you think?

2010-07-28T00:13:00.001+09:00

Hello peeps, eating strawberry flavored koala biscuits now. Anybody else find the powdery thing covering the biscuits annoying? It's sour.

And to make sure that the back ache goes away, I am gulping down on a 500ml pack of MegMilk. Do ignore the messy room, packing stuffs you see :)

Nicer than meiji's if you ask me :) Eating without having to worry about the complains that I will get when I get fat is fun :)

2010-07-25T02:03:00.002+09:00

Sad dreams will you go away.
Wet pillows will you stay dry.
Cold night will you turn warm.
Lost hopes will you come back.

2010-07-23T05:20:00.001+09:00

I will be here for you
Day or night
Summer or winter
Hot or cold
:)
Just think of me
And I will be there.

A year and a week has passed since then. Time is passing so quick, I am losing track of it. I will write about you someday, any day but today.

Lucky.

2010-07-23T05:13:00.001+09:00

I consider myself to be very lucky. I have a very loving family, friends that I know will be by my side even when shit happens, considerably stress-less life, and so many more of the bits here and there. Sometimes when things get too tough and I get too moody, I try to remind myself that I am lucky to be where I am even with all these. I had a very blessed childhood, my body is working perfectly working body, I am financially stable and I have only spent two decades of my life I have a long way more to go. For you haters out there, aren't you glad I'll be around for another like 40 years or so :)

Today I had the worst panic attack ever. I was rushing for the whole day to get my two papers done. The first one, my 6 pages worth of draft was finished a month ago and second draft yesterday at one in the midnight, I only had to add in the title pages and the image I was reviewing then submit it to turnitin.com, I spent 30 minutes on scanning the image to a stupid mac, didn't help that it was in Japanese, I gave up after that because I was actually rushing for my 11.20 test. After the test, I decided to make a copy of the image and would just use a photocopied version of the image, but no, one of the photocopying machine decided to die on me, the other decided to refuse coins, and another one was so advanced it took me another 10 minutes before figuring out how to use it. I was literally sweating myself out. I managed to finish it on time, but then I had to start working on my next paper. Thank god there was 45 minutes in between the classes, the first class ended at 2.30 and the next one was starting at 3.25, and I was allowed to hand it in even after the class, after 4.45 I naively thought that I would definitely finish it before 4.45.

I sat in the computer room; tried to work on it with some help from the sister back home. I only had my title page, even left out my abstract, and my first paragraph done. I wrote another few sentences before officially breaking down. I never felt so frustrated at myself before. How could I have let this happen. I should have worked on it for the whole month, not now. It was then I realized how impossible it was. I cried. Sorry to those who sat beside me, I think they were rushing their assignments as well, looking at me made them lose focus for a moment haha. I was so glad that my sister slapped me awake that very moment and continued to help with my work even though I was unreasonably tossing every blame I could have thought of on her. I finished it the paper at an hour after 4.45.

I really do feel even more lucky after today's incident. I realized no matter what happens there will always be someone out there to look after me, even when they are far away.

The other day when I was about to run into a wall and knock myself to death, okay don't take it literally I will not knock myself to death, I was so glad my dearie was there. She talked me back to my senses. I know how crazy I was the other day. If I had any less self-control I would have probably be taken to Japan's Tanjung Rambutan. I was freaking out, thinking like a mad woman, hysterical and boy, was it an ugly side of me. It is amazing how she could remain so calm throughout the whole conversation despite me being so hysterical. I am so glad she was not disgusted by the way I acted, and supported me for another few weeks.

With people like my sister and dearie in life, how can I not feel lucky?

The sky will clear after the rain. Something everyone says but is always forgotten during the rainy days. My sky has cleared, and even if another rainy day comes, I know I will always have my umbrellas :)

2010-07-21T19:06:00.000+09:00

Today is a very bad day. Very bad day. Day started with me knocking an auntie down in the train. I fell too, okay sorry auntie I didn't mean too. She wasn't very nice :( And I did the dumbest thing ever on earth. If you read my tweets you must have known about the very weird guy I met today. Seriously Japanese guys are pure weird. I mean I actually did pull my hands away few times and he still grabbed it. We just met like few minutes earlier and he started holding my hands and walked away the way to the building with me. Major wth. How I wished I had the guts to actually speak up for myself, I know I am a coward ROAR. *bangs head* Shall head to bed and nap hoping that I won't have any nightmares and that my raped right hand would feel better :( I'm sorry dear right hand.

Leaving Home.

2010-07-18T22:16:00.001+09:00

Just found out that another of my ex schoolmate would be leaving to Australia, considering the fact that 3/4 of my high-schoolmates went to UK, I find it really impressive when I hear of those who are going to other places. Looking back it seems like only yesterday when I left home. It's almost a year now. Right after high school everyone talked about furthering their studies abroad. I had the same in mind. It's strange how it all works. It used to be a dream, a fantasy. Until the few days before I left, I never felt that bad before. Other than that strange feeling, I felt indifferent towards everything. I made promises. Promises to myself and promises to others. I promised that I would be back for a whole 2 month every 4 months I'd spent here. I promised that I will learn to not be that much of a spoiled brat. I promised that I will be independent. I made many promises, promises that were forgotten, promises that were never kept.

It was a breezy day when I was here. I remembered how indifferent I still was to everything. The time when I had not a phone nor a lappie yet. I just hanged on to the iPod touch praying that it would connect. Got a little comfort from it. It was then I realized I was alone. Faraway from home. It wasn't until a week later that I got my phone. I squealed in joy when I finally had something that allows me to be just this closer to home, just this closer to the ones I cared, just this closer to not being alone.

I don't really know how I'd managed to survive the first month. I was emotional. I was depressed. I was alone. The occasional calls did cheer me up, the emails did motivate me, the packages that family would send. These bits of things that I never learned to appreciate back then.These bits of things that I always took for granted. They meant everything to me here.

The second time I came back, it was spring. The weather was still deadly. My heart still broken. Broken because I did stupid stuffs over the break, hurting those who I cared. A part of me was glad that I am back here at this strange place, I wouldn't have to face the mistakes I made back home. The other part of me dreaded to be back here.

It's never easy to leave home. Never easy to just walk away. But days will come when I have to walk out to see the world, so that when I come home at the end of the day. I will have stories to tell them, to cheer them up. To let them know it's okay, don't be afraid to let me get hurt. I will take it and I will grow stronger. It's okay because I know I will still have you. You will still have me. I'll never lose you, promise me you will never lose me too.

A Whole New World.

2010-07-18T13:15:00.001+09:00

I can show you the world,
Shining, shimmering, splendid,
Tell me princess, now, when did
You last let your heart decide.

I can open your eyes,
Take you wonder by wonder,
Over, sideways and under
On a magic carpet ride.

A whole new world
A new fantastic point of view
No one to tell us no
Or where to go
Or say we're only dreaming

A whole new world
A dazzling place I never knew
But when I'm way up here
It's crystal clear
That now I'm in a whole new world with you
Now I'm in a whole new world with you

Unbelievable sights
Indescribable feeling
Soaring, tumbling, freewheeling
Through an endless diamond sky

A whole new world
Don't you dare close your eyes
A hundred thousand things to see
Hold your breath - it gets better
I'm like a shooting star
I've come so far
I can't go back to where I used to be

A whole new world
Every turn a surprise
With new horizons to pursue
Every moment red-letter
I'll chase them anywhere
There's time to spare
Let me share this whole new world with you

A whole new world
That's where we'll be
A thrilling chase
A wondrous place
For you and me

2010-07-16T13:25:00.002+09:00

How much can you see through the small window?
A tree and some fences, nothing more.
Reality is beyond the window I know.

Prices.

2010-07-14T23:25:00.000+09:00

If you are there, fairy godmother, tell me how long more do I have to drug myself to get a good night's sleep?
Tell me when will I wake up from my stupid fantasy.
Tell me the truth, once and for all, so I will face it and end this misery.
So, tell me, fairy godmother, what are the prices I have to pay for it?

Autumn.

2010-07-12T15:03:00.001+09:00

If I were a leaf, green, hanging up high on a branch.
I'll fall when the storm hits.
Fly when the wind blows.
If one day I shall turn brown and crispy,
I'll rest on the soil and pray for those who'll green tomorrow.

8月のセレナーデ (August Serenade)

2010-07-12T00:24:00.000+09:00

もしも君がいなくなってしまったら
たとえばネコやイモムシになってしまったら
メソメソと泣くよ
でもそのうち     都合のいいネタにしてしまうかも

ねぇだから今日は     そういつもより
長い電話をしよう
なんとなく君に     後ろめたいから
やさしくふるまっておこう…

もしも君と友達になっていたら
知ったふうな顔で助言してくれたなら
ぼくは涼しい顔で
利用するだけして     ゴミ箱に捨ててしまう

2010-07-11T16:48:00.000+09:00

She looked out the window, the sun was setting soon. It's six in the evening. She was still on her bed, holding on to the phone that she had hoped for it to ring. The silence killing her. It'd been weeks now. Weeks since she had last saw him or even spoke to him. The pain, the emptiness slowly eating her up inside, but she wouldn't admit. At least not to him, she is afraid. Afraid that if she does so, he'll leave. But he's halfway out the door now. What's left in the house is his shadow. She looked at the pictures hanging on the wall. Those memories so real and so clear, what's more to look at. The last conversation they had, wasn't as peaceful as this moment. Though she'd rather have those moments back. The silence, the emptiness is too much for her lonely soul.

"You told me you are filing for the divorce."

"Yes, I am arranging for it now."

"How long more do I have to wait? Another week? Another month? Another year?"

"Look, I am really stressed out with my work and all. I don't need you to make this more stressful than it should be."

"And you don't think this is stressing me out? I have my life too, I have a job as well. We should both know that today will come when we both started. You think it's easy for me? To go to work everyday and have them talk behind me, just because your so-called current wife is still living in her delusional world and I am the slut who snatched you away from her. I've had enough of that Pete, enough of it. You have to tell her. "

"I told her."

"I know, and she's still living in her delusional world because you weren't firm enough about it. You give her hopes. False hopes. Hopes that are killing me inside."

"Can't you be more reasonable about this? She knows we are over."

"She knows, but she thinks that there's still a chance. You gave her hopes. You made her think that you two still have a chance."

"Cammie, I do not want to talk about this now."

"I am asking you to make your choice now. Me or her."

"Cammie, don't make me choose."

"You've already chose, haven't you. Maybe I was wrong all this while, I thought we were happy for these few years and I could change everything on my own. I was wrong."

"If you think so, I can't change what you are thinking Cammie. Maybe you are right."

"I was stupid enough to think that our three years are worth more than your six years of marriage. I was stupid."

"Cammie, we need to talk this over some time soon. I've got to go now. Janice is waiting and I promised her I will be back at home for dinner."

"Dinner. You never kept any promises you made to me."

"Cammie. Don't make this worse than it is."

"I just need you to say you love me. I need your reassurance."

"Cammie. I'll see you some time next week when my workload's lighter. Goodbye."

Tears trickled down her cheeks as she remembered the last conversation they had. The pain in her heart. It'll never be gone.

Fight or Flight

2010-07-07T10:00:00.001+09:00

All speak of those who flew and lost its dignity.
Many speak of those who fought and won with pride.
A few speak of those who fought but lost its soul.
None speak of those who flew yet brought peace to both sides.

2010-07-05T10:47:00.002+09:00

You know there are times in life when you decide this is it. That it will not go any further than this. This is the border. Then you tell yourself, it's gone, it's over; only to wake up from it and do it all over again. Painful I must say. But letting go seems to ache more than that. Which one can you bear with? The thought of losing it forever or the thought of having to fear forever?

via KeitaiWeb

When I need you

2010-07-01T03:35:00.002+09:00

When I need you
I just close my eyes and I'm with you
And all that I so wanna give you
It's only a heartbeat away

When I need love
I hold out my hands and I touch love
I never knew there was so much love
Keeping me warm night and day

Miles and miles of empty space in between us
The telephone can't take the place of your smile
But you know I won't be travelin' forever
It's cold out but hold out and do I like I do

When I need you
I just close my eyes and I'm with you
And all that I so wanna give you babe
It's only a heartbeat away

It's not easy when the road is your driver
Honey that's a heavy load that we bear
But you know I won't be traveling a lifetime
It's cold out but hold out and do like I do

Oh, I need you

When I need love
I hold out my hands and I touch love
I never knew there was so much love
Keeping me warm night and day

When I need you
Just close my eyes
And you're right here by my side
Keeping me warm night and day

I just hold out my hands
I just hold out my hand
And I'm with you darlin'
Yes, I'm with you darlin'
All I wanna give you
It's only a heartbeat away

Oh I need you darling

Dear Diary

2010-06-29T03:31:00.001+09:00

Richmond :)

It's 3.21 am. Stacks of papers on my right, the baby on my left. Sigh. I should be reading, but I am not. Thinking instead. Thinking really hard. Is this how I want it to be? Is this how we should be? I do not know the answer to that. I do not believe in forever neither do I believe in happily ever after. I believe only in treasuring now, because I know that if you do not treasure now, you would regret it in the future. And when you start regretting, you wouldn't be able to appreciate anything anymore. Life's too complicated to be understood anyway. The world is more than this, I know.

Loves.

2010-06-20T03:15:00.003+09:00

Close your eyes. Cover your ears. Pray that your skin will be thick enough to protect you.

2010-06-19T15:03:00.003+09:00

amazing, no?

Suite 3703 :)

2010-05-29T20:26:00.005+09:00

It was the 37th floor

A few minutes after we checked in someone became a pig, and started to throw things around again. Boooo.

What is about to come might scare some of you :( cause it did freak us out at our three nights stay over there. Or was it two, hmm.

It first started when I was hiding inside the front toilet, I forgot why, and the other person was at the bathroom screaming, "Omg, the jacuzzi works! Bubbles!" , okay maybe that was before everything but anyway you get my point. And then I was quite certain the show I left on the tv was some TVB dramas on astro, after a while I start hearing some Taiwanese celebrity shows on 314 or 317, I totally freaked out and ran out from the front toilet while demanding the other person to get out from the bathroom now. And then I looked at the tv, it was on 8tv. I practically glued myself to the door of the bathroom for the next few minutes.

We went to bed quite early about 11 I suppose, and then just when I was about to fall asleep. The someone who had been rolling around for the whole time got up and said it might be better if we went out for a walk. His shoulders were aching badly; he said that it might be from the swim that afternoon; thinking nothing much about it we went out and; his shoulders were immediately not aching that bad after that -_-'' Yes, in Chinese terms, it means that the erm, youknow, sat on his shoulders. Gosh, I feel the breeze. In the end we walked to 7-11 and bought some salonpas thingie like pads and stuck it on his shoulders.

Me: Omg, is it still pain?
Someone: Not really now.
Me: Omg, thank god we got the pads.
Someone: Yea, it's working :)
Me: No! I mean the pads are so squishy, the g-s will like them! They won't come to sit on my shoulder then!
Someone:...

And we camped in front of the tv for an hour or two after that, I don't know why the tv. But somehow we got really tired of jumping around, we decided to move back to the bed. Oooh I got a lollipop and got scolded, booo!

Next morning, at around 10 we woke up

Me: Omg, did you hear the doorbell this morning around 9? I think it might be the newspaper guy or someone it didn't stop until I press the DND sign.
Someone: No, I didn't...
Me: You are such a pig, it was noisy!
Someone: I heard the doorbell rang non-stop last night though.....
Me:.......

Anyway, scary as it was. It was really fun :)

Can you spot the naked man? Muahaha!
He is behind the blinds, what were you thinking?! :P

Random.

2010-05-29T20:23:00.001+09:00

I wished I had longer leg, Isn't it sad that how some people get to have 42inch long legs *stares at random girl* while some people, like me, are stuck with the fat stubby legs. Why? A mystery that will never be solved. Yes, I can see the very uneven skin tone on my left leg, okay maybe not that uneven now. Sorry but I just have a new found obsession with legs.

Disappearance

2010-05-26T19:04:00.001+09:00

Sorry for the disappearance. Hectic week with loads of schoolwork. It is mid term now :( and gosh feels like yesterday since I came back here. Wished I could turn the time back again, so I can work on my assignments ROAR but it's not going to happen :(

2010-05-17T01:46:00.000+09:00

I do not know why all of a sudden I am missing you so bad.
I miss the good old days, when we had nothing to worry about.
I miss the nights spent awake and the scoldings that came after it.

Sigh, but it will be a very long time more before these good old days will come to life again.

I miss you =(

It just feels so different to be talking through the screen. Sigh.

2010-05-10T01:00:00.000+09:00

Sometimes I can't help but wonder if I am not who I am today, would you still talk to me?
What makes me more important?
What makes me different?
I hope it is something I am, not something I own.
Should I do as they all do,
the fate of a woman they used to say,
to close an eye and open the other one,
to close the right eye, and see with what is left
Do you think it is right too?
To do what I am doing?
Because I know they are nothing but lies.
But still I will do as you want,
because I really hate to disappoint you.

Sigh. but promise me, after all these, would you please disappear and leave me for good?

3703, A Story Never Told.

2010-05-05T23:16:00.000+09:00

It was a beautiful suite at the 37th floor. It had an amazing view, the never ending sea that stretches out till the horizon, step on the grills and there it was, the city moving below you. The suite had it all, a jacuzzi, a walk in wardrobe, a huge mirror and more. But, there was more to that. The suite had another story.

I will continue during broad daylight :)